Is Your Relationship Picker Broken?

Understanding What We Truly Want and Need

Have you ever paused to ask yourself why you keep choosing partners who don’t meet your emotional needs? We often say we want the best from a relationship, yet we find ourselves drawn to people who can’t—or won’t—give us what we truly need.

Do we really know what we need from a partner, or are we unknowingly repeating patterns from our past? Maybe we gravitate toward people we think we can fix, those we see potential in, or those who mirror qualities we wish we had but are afraid to pursue ourselves.

A few months ago, I was binge-watching a TV show called Unprisoned. One of the main characters, played by Kerry Washington, posted a message on her blog about her "picker" being broken. It made me laugh at first, but later—after watching the episodes—it got me thinking. Was my picker broken?

Why We Choose the Wrong Partners

I had to really sit with this question, but with some deep thought and a lot of honesty with myself, I realized I often gravitated toward individuals with potential. I wasn’t trying to mold them into someone else; I just saw possibilities. I thought, if only they could see what I see in them, how amazing would that be?

Looking back, I realized many of my partners had good qualities. They were motivated and driven, but it often didn’t last. When their ambition fizzled, I would feel unfulfilled. It was as if we were playing a game with only one player, and eventually, the relationship would fall apart.

I found out the hard way that potential is just that—potential. It’s not a guarantee. No matter how much I believe in them, they have to see their own worth and take their own steps toward growth.

I started to wonder: If I picked these partners because I didn’t fully understand what I wanted or needed in a relationship? Or was I avoiding my own self-discovery by focusing on fixing others?

These questions only brought up more, like: Why are we drawn to emotionally unavailable people? Is it a subconscious attempt to heal wounds from the past? Maybe we’re trying to rewrite a narrative or relive an experience, hoping for a different outcome.

At times we choose partners based on familiarity. If we’ve experienced inconsistency or emotional neglect in the past, it might feel oddly “normal” to pursue those same traits in a partner. But relationships built on these patterns rarely thrive. Very often, they leave us feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, or stuck in a cycle of repeating the same mistakes.

Is Your Picker Broken?

I know what you are thinking… how do you find out if your "picker" is broken? The first step is simple: sit down and be honest with yourself about your current or past relationships. The goal isn't to judge ourselves or our choices—it's to recognize patterns that may be influencing who we choose and why.

Looking back isn't about assigning blame. It's about gaining insight. The more we understand the patterns behind our choices, the better equipped we are to make healthier ones moving forward.

But recognizing unhealthy patterns begins with honest reflection. So when you're ready to explore your relationship history, recurring patterns, or the qualities you've been drawn to, visit the Resources page to explore the Relationship Patterns Reflection Guide. It's designed to help you gain deeper insight and continue your journey of self-discovery.

This process isn't easy, but it is the first step toward understanding why certain patterns keep repeating. Once you recognize those patterns, you can begin making choices that lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Fixing Your Picker

Recognizing that your picker might be broken is just the beginning. The next step is finding actionable ways to fix it, and that starts with self-awareness and a commitment to personal growth. Here are a few ways to begin breaking the cycle:

Understand Your Needs and Wants

Take time to identify what you truly want and need in a partner. Make a list, but be realistic—don’t focus on superficial qualities. Instead, think about values, communication styles, and emotional compatibility.

Focus on Your Growth

Before seeking a partner, work on yourself. Explore your passions, set personal goals, and cultivate self-confidence. The more grounded you are in your own identity, the less likely you’ll be to settle for someone who doesn’t align with your values.

Set Boundaries and Standards

Healthy relationships require clear boundaries. Don’t compromise on your core values or tolerate behavior that makes you feel unappreciated.

Stop Trying to Fix Others

It’s tempting to see potential in someone and want to help them grow, but you can’t do the work for them. Choose partners who are already in alignment with your values and goals—not those who might align someday.

Seek Professional Support if Needed

Sometimes, our patterns stem from deeper issues. Therapy or counseling can provide valuable insight into why we make certain choices and how to change them.

Moving Forward

As I reflect on my journey, I realized that the key to healthier relationships lies within me. If I focus on my own growth and understanding my needs, I can make better choices in the future.

The truth is, until we’re honest with ourselves, we can’t fully understand what we need from a relationship. By uncovering your own truths and focusing on personal growth, you can break old patterns and build relationships that truly fulfill you.

When you’re ready to break the cycle, take a moment and reflect on your relationship patterns. Are you choosing partners who align with your values and needs, or are you stuck in a cycle, selecting others based on potential or familiarity?

Love isn’t like a romantic comedy. You won’t bump into “the one” in a coffee shop and live happily ever after by the end of the weekend. Real love takes time, effort, and self-awareness.

Moving forward, instead of seeking relationships that hinge on potential or familiarity, focus on creating a life you’re proud of—one that naturally attracts the right kind of partner.

As always… stay inspired and continue to chase purpose.